Hi. How are you? No. I mean, how are you? Tell me honestly. Tell me, truthfully. What is eating you up inside? What do you feel like you have to hide from the world? I actually want to hear it. I want to hear what makes this world painful for you because I also want you to know that you are not alone.
Emotions are scary. Depression is scary. Fear, anger, frustration, feeling isolated, alone, abandoned; it’s all scary. It’s scary as hell just writing this post. Man, it can all suck so much, can’t it? You are not alone.
Does it feel like the world would be better without you? Does it feel like you’re a burden on people? Does it feel like everything you touch turns to shit? Does it feel like everything and everybody has turned on you?
I know this feeling. I know it well. You know what else I know? It isn’t true. It’s your brain trying to trick you.
Can you wait these feelings out? Is there anybody you trust to talk to about them without feeling judged or like more of a burden?
You know what? I’m here. You can message me if you have nobody else to turn to. You can message me even if you do. I can’t guarantee that I’ll know how to help you but what I can guarantee is that I won’t judge you. I can help you hang on until we find a better way. There is always a better way. I promise.
I was where you are in 2004. I held onto my computer chair, in the middle of the night with my boyfriend at the time sleeping in the next room. My knuckles were white. I was trying with everything I had in me to stop myself from grabbing one of my boyfriend’s guns and ending my life right there. I was convinced that everybody in my life would be better off. I was so convinced that I almost went through with it. I almost did until I found this, Suicide: Read This First. This is what told me that I might be wrong. It helped me hold on until the morning when I could call and register myself into intensive outpatient therapy.
Can you hold on? Can you hold on until you find help? Can you hold onto your chair or your desk or anything nearby until your knuckles turn white and just know that holding on will be worth it? Because it is. It’s worth it. I promise.
Since that night, I have been through much, much worse but what I learned was that if I just stuck through with the bad stuff long enough, some good would happen. And it always does. Always.
Please stay with me. I understand. I don’t think you’re selfish. I know that every cell in your body is in pain right now. I know it is unbearable. I know it hurts to live right now. I know. I don’t judge you. You are not being dramatic. You are not making this pain up. It’s real and it’s searing. I also know that it’s temporary. It might not feel like it but it is, it really is. You are not alone.
You are worth fighting for. Please stay. Please let the world continue with you in it. It’s hard to see right now but there is so much out there worth living for, no matter who you’ve lost, no matter what you’ve lost, no matter who’s mad at you or indifferent towards you. None of that matters in the grand scheme of things. None of that matters in the true beauty of this world where hope lives.
And there is hope. There is always hope. It’s there somewhere for you. It wants to find you but it can’t while your brain is tricking you. Please hold on. Hold on until you can find help. Please know that you have value in this world no matter what your brain is telling you. You have so much to offer and this might be the road that leads you to finding it. This might be the road that leads you to better things. But the only way to know is to hold on. Just hold on a little longer.
You are worth it and you are not alone.