It will be a year and five months in exactly a week (the 27th). I have been doing well. I have also not been doing well. Those two things exist right next to each other and each day I am touched by both of them.
I want to be positive and I want to be inspirational but I also want to tell you, you know what? My grieving has not stopped (this is mostly a reminder to myself). I am still in a lot of pain, more than most people know. I have built up an endurance to it. I have built up stamina and I spin it in a positive direction as often as I can but sometimes…
Sometimes it is like a blunt tool is being twisted around in both my chest and my stomach simultaneously. Sometimes, it is like I have something heavy on my chest and I can’t get it off. Sometimes, all I can picture is Steven’s pained face that last day he was alive as I was leaving the hospital to go home to get some rest and he asked me not to go.
It sucks. It sucks so much I don’t even have the words to tell you how much it sucks. Is it as bad as when it first happened? Definitely not. But it can still get pretty bad and to make matters worse, the world has now gotten used to you being better. It’s harder to let out your grief because nobody knows just how much it still hurts and people’s lives are hard enough and they have been there for you so much already. It’s hard for everybody.
Grief sucks. It sucks so much and the fact that the waves of grief still hit you with intensity as the years pass, it just seems so cruel. That hole that’s left behind, that wound that has been blasted out of you like an atom bomb, it gets so much salt poured in it and it jolts you, every time.
Tomorrow I will feel better, right? I don’t know. I never know. Maybe I’ll feel better later today, even. But right now, right now I feel like I want to punch, kick, scream, cry, breakdown and curl into a ball all at once. Right now, I want to jump out of my skin. Right now, I am grieving and it hurts. A lot. So much more than words could ever express.