Happy birthday, you gregarious, wonderful, beautiful, frustrating, hilarious, fantastic, fascinating, unique and incredibly absent man. Your birth touched many, many lives. Your life was so full, you lived several lifetimes in your short life, more than most people live. Today, I want to celebrate that life but all I can do is think about your death. All I can think is that you’re gone and that full, lively, wonderful, topsy-turvy life of yours is history. There is no more life for you. It’s still hard to process. It still feels weird, like it’s not real. Death is so weird, it’s just so weird. Birthdays are a lovely thing, though. They…
-
-
Two Years Ago, Everything Changed
The obituary above is from the book, Obituaries in the Performing Arts, 2016. I found it today while I was googling my late husband. My late husband. My husband who died. He’s dead. I still can’t believe it. I wonder if it will ever feel real. Losing somebody as close as a spouse or a child or a sibling—anybody who changes your day-to-day—feels like there was a nuclear attack, annihilating everything and nobody seemed to notice. They see that you notice it, but they walk around like everything is still the same. It’s weird. I remember wondering how it was that the world could still go on after Steven died.…
-
Grief and Friends – Oh, That Second Year of Grief
This is a post I don’t particularly want to write but I feel like I have to. I am working through coming to terms with the stark reality of the second year of grief and how it affects everything. Simply everything. I want to share this because I think it’s important. I know it’s important. It has been very hard to find positivity in the second year. Oh, I’ve been able to do it and I’ve had some great people in my life help me with it but it’s been hard and it gets harder as the two year anniversary approaches in almost exactly a week. I’ve dealt with more…
-
Grief Sucks
It will be a year and five months in exactly a week (the 27th). I have been doing well. I have also not been doing well. Those two things exist right next to each other and each day I am touched by both of them. I want to be positive and I want to be inspirational but I also want to tell you, you know what? My grieving has not stopped (this is mostly a reminder to myself). I am still in a lot of pain, more than most people know. I have built up an endurance to it. I have built up stamina and I spin it in a…
-
Surviving Widowhood – My First Year
You might notice in the menu of this blog an option that says, ‘surviving widowhood.’ If you click on it, you will be taken to the place I went to in my first year to let some of my raw feelings out. My raw pain. My desperate attempt to reach out to the ether and find my husband. I didn’t write in it all that much but when I did, I let out my pain. It helped a lot. The first year is hard in so many ways but the one that is the worst for somebody who likes to write is that it is hard to concentrate long enough…
