Hello! It has been a while. I had to deal with some things and had a couple of huge projects come my way that needed my full attention but now I’m back in a big way and I have some updates and a few widow thoughts.

First of all, I’m giving a firm date for my book, I Hope They Have Email in the Afterlife. October 26th is the big day and I am sticking to it. This is it. This is the month. This book needs to get out of me and I want to get it out there. A quick summary: In the grip of my deepest grief, all I wanted was to find raw validation from others around the same time in their process. The thing is, most people aren’t able to really write anything until they have progressed pretty far in their grief. This is a collection of every raw word I wrote during that time. I hope to help somebody who is reaching out for this kind of validation.

Also, I have added a What is Sepsis link to the menu as I want to start stepping up my commitment to spread the awareness of this deadly disease that killed my husband. I will do a more descriptive page about it soon but for now it leads you to Sepsis Alliance, one of the best sepsis awareness organizations out there.

I have also added a Support This Blog page. It’s basically me just busking for some change or book orders. Also maybe some shares of my work? It’s all up to you. Just the fact that you came to my blog is awesome, anything else is a cherry on top.

Widow Thoughts

Grief. It’s for the birds. Actually, I do wonder if it is. Do they grieve? Does everything in the animal kingdom grieve? It’s a big question I can’t answer but I’ll just say, yes. Everything grieves. If everything dies, it only follows that everything grieves. Right? Even amoebas? No clue. But again, I’m saying yes. Grief defies logic, so it would make sense for it to defy biology too.

As many of us grievers do, I had to go through my late husband’s email last night to clean it up and make sure there wasn’t anything important in there. Spam has become both entertaining and heartbreaking since Steven died and last night one spammy subject line stood out to me as both.

“RECLAIM YOUR LIFE!”

AWESOME! MY HUSBAND CAN RECLAIM HIS LIFE! HE CAN COME BACK FROM THE DEAD!

At first, I went over all those bitter and sarcastic things in my mind. Angry tears stung my eyes. I even thought about responding to the spam with a long message about grief and loss. But then I got to thinking, maybe I actually can reclaim his life for him? Hear me out.

My husband was in a lot of pain for many years. He’s not in pain anymore, wherever he is. Even if it’s just blackness and nothingness, there is no pain. When he was alive, he did his best to be happy and joyful despite the pain. Sometimes it worked and sometimes he just couldn’t. The pain was always there. Even when we were having fun, I could see his eyes wince through it. It always made me in awe of him and made my heart break for him. It also made taking care of him more of an inspiring thing as opposed to a duty.

However, now, I have the ability to make him more complete in my memories. I can take the pain away when I remember his laughter. I can see his face without the wincing eyes. That’s how he would want it and that’s how I prefer to remember him.

His pain was not who he was. It overpowered him enough in his life. I won’t let it overpower his death. I will reclaim his life.

Thank you spam. You actually did good for once. This one time, thank you.

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